


Speak now (or forever hold your peace)

by jakepurralta



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-27
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-01 14:42:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4023739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jakepurralta/pseuds/jakepurralta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Teddy asks her to marry him. She says yes. But she also remembers that Jake once had real feelings for her, so she thinks it's only fair to give him a chance to tell her if those past feelings are still relevant today.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the other side of the door

When she told him, it was an accident. She’d blurted it out because he absent-mindedly muttered something about them making small talk. The two of them were sitting in his car and his perceptive eyes continuously scanned the area around them for any sight of the criminal they were looking for. Amy felt uncharacteristically unprofessional that day – which she blamed on the fact that her boyfriend of 18 months proposed to her the night before – and before she could stop herself, the words ‘Teddy proposed to me’ tumbled out of her mouth, her lips immediately shut when she realized what she’d done and her partner’s body instantly tensed up.

He responded with a short ‘oh’, in that voice he always used whenever she mentioned Teddy. She never really knew what to make of it, but it was certainly not happiness. He should be happy for her, right? He was her friend, and she was getting married to a genuinely good guy who loved her. He asked what her answer was, and she told him that she said yes. She even told him how she didn’t mean to say yes right away, but she didn’t have the heart to take it back once she saw the tears that sprung in the eyes of her elated boyfriend. Fiancé.

He congratulated her, then said something about how he worked best in silence and the following two hours, not one of them uttered a word. The arrest was done quickly, as was the required paperwork and the Captain’s debrief.

Jake left her that day, with another courteous nod and ‘congratulations’ and not another word. Not even a single joke.

So no, she’s certainly not sure about her (accidental) decision. If she were to marry Teddy, that would also mean that he would move in with her. Or they would find a place of their own. What’s next? Children? She didn’t even make Captain yet.

"Stop worrying about the frivolous things," Charles reassures her later that night, a considerate smile on his face. If there is anyone on this planet who would be happy for her, it’s be Charles. He is a complete and utter romantic and thus, has a million ideas of what can help her create her dream wedding. "The best part about a wedding is the marriage that comes afterwards. A promise to be there for each other in sickness and in health. Hell, the two of you could be living in a box. As long as you’re together, you’ll be happy. If that’s something you think you have with Teddy, then you should go for it."

"All the dumb romantic crap aside, I think Charles is right. If you think you can stand Teddy for the rest of your life, then this is a good thing for you. Clearly, that’s how he feels about you." Rosa states curtly, raising her glass of beer towards Amy, who clinks it with her glass of margarita.

Amy feels blessed to have colleagues who care about her, albeit it all of them in their own way. At the end of their shift, Charles dragged almost the entire Nine-Nine (so, including some detectives Amy barely knew) to Shaw's to celebrate Amy’s engagement to Teddy. Now's as good a time as any to get their opinions on the matter, Amy figured.

Captain Holt is obviously a fan of marriage. He is living a happy life with his partner Kevin, and he ensured her that marriage is a wise decision to make for two people who want to spend the rest of their lives together. Terry shares the Captain’s opinion, adding that he is filled to the brim with love for his wife, and their daughters are the result of that. Rosa mumbles something about Teddy having a relatively okay ass. Charles has more than enough to say about how much he loves weddings. Gina says something along the lines of ‘as long as you’re happy’ which she quickly sweeps under the rug by going on and on about how little she actually cares about Amy and her romantic life.

And Jake… well, Jake is not even here.

This is supposed to be one of the biggest nights of Amy’s life, and someone who she considered one of her best friends isn't even there for her. " _Whatever_ ," she thinks to herself. She has more than enough other people around who do make an effort to celebrate with her.

The evening goes by relatively easy. She isn't feeling as ecstatic as every fiancée in every romantic comedy she’s ever seen, but when is life ever like a movie? Weddings and romances are so romanticized by Hollywood that she just accidentally formed an irrational belief of what a wedding should be and feel like. Now, she thinks, perhaps it nothing more than a contract- an agreement to stick by a person for as long as possible, life is difficult to take on alone, after all.

The Captain and the Sarge are the first to leave the bar, both of them eager to see their family at home. Gina is long gone, she had her eyes set on a handsome bartender so communication with her was completely cut off after her obligatory congratulations to Amy.

"I’m just gonna go outside for a minute." Amy excuses herself, though it was to no one in particular. Charles and Rosa are too deep in conversation about their latest arrest to even notice the other detective standing up, taking her purse and walking out of the bar.

The cold breeze of the 10PM wind is just the refreshment that Amy needs. She leans against the brick wall, head back and eyes closed, sucking in a deep breath. For a moment, she considers lighting a cigarette when she feels someone tapping her on the shoulder. She opens her eyes.

"Sorry I’m late. I had some things to take care of." The man in front of her offers her an apologetic smile.

"I didn’t think you’d be coming." She just says, her voice monotonous. She's not sure if she is angry with him or relieved to see him. All she knows is that the heartbeat in her chest feels a little less strained for the first time that day and it is a little too coincidental to deny that it's not due to his presence.

"Are you kidding me? Amy Santiago just got _engaged_. I wouldn’t miss it for the world. We’re friends, after all." Her name sounds like a song on his lips and his affectionate smile makes her forget about that weird, distant look in his eyes. Almost. He positions himself next to her on the wall and the two of them just stand there in an almost comfortable silence, staring off into the distance.

She decides to break the ice. "Do you think I’m making a mistake with Teddy?" Her voice is barely audible over the wind, but he heard her.

He is quiet for a while, probably contemplating his words, like a politician trying to save face by giving an ambiguous answer. "Amy, listen. Teddy… is a good guy, but I probably don’t even have to tell you that. He loves you. If you ask me, he’s been pretty clear about how he feels about you." He pushes himself off of the wall and Amy can feel his piercing eyes look at hers, but she somehow can't bring herself to look at him. "What matters now is _you_. Do you… love him?"

"I do." In the corner of her eyes, she notices him nod slowly (sadly?).

He presses on. "Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?"

The rest of her life with Teddy. Sweet, gentle, sympathetic Teddy. Someone who would cook her dinner after she came home from work. Someone who’d gladly test her knowledge of police guidelines while she was sipping a glass of wine (he’d drink a pilsner himself). Someone who would probably be an excellent father to her children and someone who would be an impeccable son in law to have.

(Someone who was the life of the party. Someone who would throw her peanuts to catch in her mouth. Someone who teases her about her thick, nerdy glasses. Someone who constantly challenges her to be a better version of herself and brings out the competitive side of her. Well, that someone certainly isn't Teddy. That someone is…no. She shouldn't even allow her mind to go there.)

"I don’t know." Maybe it has something to do with the alcohol, but she suddenly feels a rush of boldness arise inside of her, so she steps forward into Jake’s personal space. The way his plaid shirt moves up and down indicates that the action had caused him to take in faster breaths of air. "When you came back from your undercover mission, you said that you liked me. You said… you said that that was real. Is it… still real now?" She watches his gaze fall to the floor. "Because if it is, you owe it to me to tell me the truth. I don’t know what I’m going to do with it, but if I’m going to marry Teddy, you don’t have a lot of time left." His fingers find the edges of his shirt, fumbling with it nervously. "Talk to me, Jake."

"I’m, uh…" He begins to stammer.

She puts a hand on his chest in an attempt to calm him down. Probably wasn't such a good idea, since she feels his heart beat faster instead, his eyes darting all around him in a desperate attempt to avoid her gaze.

"I’m sorry, Amy."

Jake isn't vulnerable very often, but when he is, Amy kind of hates it. She hates how brittle his voice is whenever she tries to talk to him about his feelings. She hates how much he seems to bite back in favor of her own happiness. And she hates how much of that vulnerability occurs only when he's with her.

She sighs. "If you can’t tell me, that’s fine. I’m just trying to remind you that if you do feel something for me… I’m not going to wait around forever. I mean, technically, I’m not even available right now. I’m just trying to give you an opportunity to tell me the truth because you deserve it, Jake. You do."

Something in his eyes changes at that, and it's breaking her a little. Maybe it has something to do with how his father left him and scarred him with abandonment issues. Maybe he is just scared to lose her. Whatever happens, she knows that she's scared to lose him too, but she lacks the courage to tell him that. "We should probably go back inside. Rosa and Charles are waiting."

He just nods silently, moving towards the door to hold it open for her.

* * *

The four of them end up at the bar for another hour. Charles is actually the one who is responsible for bringing the comfort and laughter back with his anecdotes about inappropriate wedding vows, and Amy is happy to note that it doesn't take long for Jake to crack jokes again. Something about Scandinavian weddings and how he doesn't want Charles to make Amy’s wedding uncomfortable by ‘being all Charles Boyle’.

After Amy receives a good night text from Teddy, they all agree it's high time to go home. It doesn't take long for Amy to hail herself a cab, though she isn't granted much time to get her mind away from the wedding (and Jake), because Taylor Swift is playing on the radio. Typical.

 _"I said leave, but all I really want is you to stand outside my window, throwing pebbles, screaming: “I’m in love with you."_ The female singer croons while picking the strings of her acoustic guitar, and Amy looks at the city outside her window passing her by, inadvertently humming along.

"You like Taylor Swift?" The taxi driver repeats himself, either because he really wants to make small talk with her or her humming is starting to become obnoxious and he wants her to shut up.

"Oh, she’s alright. I just…know someone who’s a fan."

"Ah." The middle aged man nods curtly and shifts his focus back on the road in front of him. "That person who’s a fan, do they happen to be your boyfriend? If you don’t mind my asking.’

The question catches her off guard. "What makes you think boyfriend?"

He shrugs. "Or girlfriend."

"A good _friend_ of mine. He likes to pretend he loves Jay-Z when I know for a fact that he’s a sucker for Taylor Swift songs. He’s a lot more romantic than he likes to admit." She stops herself at that, thinking she already said more than she needed to. The man is a complete stranger, after all. He doesn't need to know Jake can be romantic. He doesn't care.

"My daughter is a big fan of Taylor Swift, so naturally I end up listening to a lot of her music myself," the driver continues, oblivious to the way she seemed to have abruptly cut herself off. "I have to say, the more I listen to her, the more I start to believe in that whole mushy-gushy stuff where the boy has some sort of epiphany and declares his love to the girl in a big, romantic gesture. Maybe that’s not how the real world works, but I’m not a ‘glass half empty’ kind of guy anyway. So… this uh, ‘ _good friend_ ’ of yours-"

Amy is not liking the way he's insinuating that Jake might be more than just a good friend to her, so she stops him before he can even cross that line, not caring about how rude her tone might sound. "I don’t know what you’re getting at, but Jake and I are not going to happen. I’m engaged to someone else." It comes out angrier than she intended.

"I apologize for prying, miss."

They continue the rest of the ride in silence.

* * *

"With your face and your beautiful eyes and the conversation with the little white lies…" Amy murmurs softly before forcibly shutting the remainder of the song off in her mind. It's late, and she really needs to stop thinking about anything that reminds her of Jake.

She makes her way to the door of her building with haste, feeling the way the midnight breeze is sending cold shivers over her body. Her eyes notice a silhouette standing in front of her door, though it's dark enough to make it impossible to see who it is from this distance. The figure is pacing back and forth, probably has their hands shoved in their pockets.

When she finally gets close enough, she realizes that of course, it's him. It's him in his checkered shirt and brown, leather jacket. His tired eyes and his disheveled hair. His lips curled up into a smile when he spots her.

"Jake, you do realize that this isn’t your house, right?"

"I realized that I had something to tell you."

"Hence, the existence of _phones_."

"This was something I couldn’t tell you over the phone."

"We could’ve shared a cab."

"I felt like spending money."

"Ugh," she pushes herself past him, ignoring his chuckle. "Well, I don’t want a word about my house. I haven’t had the time to clean it up this week." When he doesn't respond to that, she turns around sharply. "Promise me, Jake."

He holds up his hands in a defensive stance. "We both know I will promise no such thing." His smirk is too damn infectious so she turns back around before he could see her lips form a smile and possibly tease her about that too. She unlocks the door and steps in, Jake following suit.

When they enter her apartment, she decides she's too tired to dance around it for too long, so she doesn't even bother to take off her coat and crosses her arms over her chest, staring him down. "Care to tell me what’s up with this late night visit, Jake?"

His playful smile disappears, and it seems like he's taking a moment to work up the courage to speak up. "It’s about what you asked me earlier. About…what’s real."


	2. the conversation with the little white lies

‘Care to tell me what’s up with this late night visit, Jake?’

‘It’s about what you asked me earlier. About… what’s real. You’re right,’ he began, and the air in the room started to feel like it was thickening around them. _Eyes closed, head first, can’t- **might** lose. _ ‘-about what you said earlier. It wouldn’t be fair to you if I didn’t say what was on my mind before you marry Teddy.’

He watched her as her gaze shifted away from him, her body moving backwards. It looked like she was trying to physically prepare herself and trying to find steady ground with her feet.

‘But before I say what I want to say, I just want to begin with the fact that I don’t want to break you and Teddy up. That’s not my intention at all. I’m just going to tell you the truth, and you can do with it, whatever you want.’ His voice was a little shaky and he was rambling, all the while trying to convince her (or himself) that he was cool. _Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool._

Momentarily, he realized he ran out of courage to speak. His heart was racing in his chest and he was forced to take a moment to recollect himself. So in lieu of continuing, he silently watched her in the semi-dark room that was the hallway of her apartment, because neither of them bothered to properly go into her living room or even turn on a light.

But Jake knew that this was the kind of night in which most of the courage had to come from him. He didn’t know how she felt about him. He had no clue, really. But she kept opening windows for him and he knew that she did it intentionally. ‘Anyway, uh, the things I said before I went undercover, and the things I said again after I came back, they’re still true. I still feel them. _Romantic stylez._ ’ He attempted a smile, but it came off as weak and nothing more than a weird twitch of his face.

‘What does that even mean?’ Her sudden voice cut through the silence, and Jake was so taken aback by the fire in her voice, that his body moved away from her. ‘ _Romantic stylez_? Do you want to go out on a date?’

‘What? _No_!’ Jake replied quickly, and realized instantly how much his own words contradicted themselves. ‘I mean, _yes_ , but like I said, you’re engaged to Teddy and you love him, and I’m not trying to change that. I’ve come to terms with the fact that _you and I_ are **not** going to happen.’ He continued to stammer something about how much he struggled with actually accepting it, but he swore to her that he did eventually. He put a hand over his heart.

Even as he was pouring his heart out to her, he still had that damn smirk on his face and Amy could only glare at him with her hands on her hips. She wasn’t angry at him or anything. She was just frustrated at how confused she was, how unable she was to read him.

She felt like she had asked him a simple question. She asked him about the things he said to her months ago, and if they were still applicable today. She wanted him to tell her the truth so that her brain could process the information and make a rational decision about her future with (or without) Teddy. Unfortunately, things weren’t as simple as she’d hoped.

Oh, how she longed to go back to simpler times. Simpler times meant that Jake was only Jake from the Nine-Nine. The man she’d only see and think about whenever she worked a case with him. She’d frown at his unprofessional behavior and bite back the urge to smack him whenever he made a joke that was at her expense.

But that time was long gone. Slowly but surely, Jake crawled himself into her life, establishing himself as an excellent partner and friend to have. She ended up confiding in him and he’d see her at her worst. She learned about his painful past and how it inspired him to try and become a better person. She learned that he was more than the stereotypical guy she thought he was, and right now it was killing her.

There he stood in front of her - unkempt hair, tired eyes and heaving chest – looking very much like the antithesis of the charismatic, devil may care jokester she thought she knew. Just by looking at him for a mere second, she knew that he was currently on unfamiliar territory. She knew that he was trying his best to rip his chest wide open for her, _for her_ , because she asked him to. Not even because he wanted to.

To what extent would he do something for her, if she asked him to?

What she _is_ sure of, is that this is all Jake would do tonight. He’d talk to her and tell her what he wanted to tell her. He’d never kiss her or anything. She’s engaged to someone, for crying out loud. That would be extremely disrespectful for her and Teddy, and for some reason, Jake seemed to always straight up refuse to put his own needs before hers.

‘So… yeah. Just, uh, wanted to come over and say that.’

His words brought her back to reality. He was shifting on his feet, perhaps eager to leave (escape). ‘Thank you for saying that,’ she repeated the words she had said to him months ago. They sounded familiar and polite and just a tad impersonal, but it was all she could muster up right now.

The way he pressed his lips together and nodded his head gave her a feeling of déjà vu. ‘Well,’ something in the tone of his voice changed and it had a bit of a magical effect in that it perked her up a little. ‘I should go, it’s getting _super_ late.’ He turned on his heel and put his hand on the handle of her door when something dawned on him and he muttered, ‘Shit.’

‘What?’

He turned back around to face her, an embarrassed look on his face. ‘I kind of forgot that I overpaid the cab to get here and now I only have $4 on me. I’m down for a lot of challenges, but there’s no way I can talk my way into a cab with these _riches_.’

‘Oh,’ Amy said, already reaching out for her purse. ‘I can give you some cash if you need it.’ She fumbled through the items of her bag, fished out her wallet and opened it, only to realize that she too had spent all her remaining cash on the taxi. She cursed inwardly. That was so unlike her, she always made sure she had an appropriate amount of cash in her wallet.

‘It’s okay, I can just walk myself home. It’s just a thirty minute walk, anyway.’

She gave him a look. ‘Jake, there’s no way that’s true.’

‘Alright, fine,’ Jake snapped, ‘It’s a thirty minute _run_ , whatever. I might be a cop, but it’s still pretty nerve-wracking to go through the streets of Brooklyn at 1am in the morning.’

‘Okay, there’s no way I’m gonna let you do that. You can just stay here for the night.’ The look of surprise he gave her made her feel uneasy and she turned her head, indicating at her couch. ‘On the _couch_.’

‘I see.’ Jake brushed past her and strolled into her living room, an amused smirk on his face. ‘Well, don’t mind if I do. I’d be honored to be the first man spending the night at Amy Santiago’s place.’

‘There you are.’ Amy sighed, acknowledging the fact that the teasing side of Jake was back. She didn’t allow herself to fully take the bait though, because what he said was actually true. Teddy never actually stayed at her place until the morning, he always ended up leaving late at night. Was this another reminder that she was making a big mistake?

A feeling of weariness washed over her as the question piled itself unto an already big heap of other unanswered ones, so she decided to just let it go for the night. It has been a long day that might just be longer now that Jake was staying, and she didn’t want to tire herself even more by letting these questions haunt her throughout the entire night.

For now, it was easier for her to watch Jake kick off his shoes and lie down on her couch, already looking more comfortable than her boyfriend – fiance – ever was in his position. Jake had his hands tucked behind his head and a big grin on his face as he watched her disappear into her room and re-emerge with a blanket.

‘Are you just going to sleep like that?’

He raised an eyebrow. ‘Aren’t you going to tuck me in?’

‘Not if you’re going to sleep like that, I’m not.’ She responded, promptly putting over the side of the couch. She ignored the fact that her statement made it sound that she _would_ tuck him in if he did things right. ‘Don’t sleep with your jacket on. Go to the bathroom and wash your face. I’ll go get you an extra toothbrush.’

He obediently swung his legs to the floor and stood up from the couch. ‘Yes, Ames.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the abrupt ending. What's the deal with me always writing when I have a headache? I'm so stubborn.

**Author's Note:**

> Do tell me what you think! This is the result of six attempts to write something new for them. I'm not sure how far I want to take this, but I'm definitely not going to have Amy run in a big white dress towards Jake, as much as that image would amuse me.


End file.
